The Lily Chronicles
by summer rose and nith
Summary: As the title suggests, this fic is about Lily’s life, giving answers to questions such as why Petunia hates owls to how the giant squid came to be at Hogwarts. Intrigued? Well read to find out, please.


****

Hey peoplez, this is a combined effort from both Summer Rose and nith.

_This is what Summer Rose's comments will look like. _

And this is what nith's comments will look like. Anywayz, Rosie an' I will talk more l8er, kay. 

__

How many times do I hafta tell ya? my name is Rose. Not ROSIE. 

Wateva ya say Rosie. Anywayz we'll write more after this chapta.

****

Disclaimer:- We don't own Lily. J.K. does. We don't own Petunia. J.K. does. We don't own Hogwarts. J.K. does. We don't even own Felix. He belongs to our school. We own Heather, Aunty Iris, Petunia's bacon and the carnivorous cow. And a Corrs album. But not the Corrs. 

****

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 1- Owls and Bacon

"Morning", Lily's mum, Heather, called brightly to her youngest daughter Lily.

"Umph", responded Lily as she trudged up to a table and collapsed into a chair.

Just then Petunia, Lily's older sister, flounced down the stairs, complaining loudly that her new fluro pink boob tube _so_ did not go well with any of her flared jeans.

At this point Lily exploded,

"You've got over ten pairs of flared jeans, do you mean to tell me that none of them go well with that disgusting _thing _you call a top?!" 

Petunia sniffed **(A/N: no, not like a blood hound- more in a haughty way)** at this,

"As if you'll ever understand how an outfit must be co-ordinated- I mean look at your pyjamas, I mean really, stripes and polka-dots!?!"

"Petunia, these are my _pyjamas_, no ones gonna see 'em", Lily argued.

"Well _I_ have to put up with them every morning" Petunia snarled.

"And as if _you_ really count" Lily countered.

At this point their fight was interrupted by a tapping at the window.

"Oh my, the poor owl, it must be so confused" Heather said and promptly opened the window so the owl wouldn't brain itself on the glass.

The owl instantly swooped over onto the back of Lily's chair.

"Ooh! Iddn't it the cuttie-woottiest liddly owly-wouly you've ever seen?" Petunia began cooing **(A/N: we kno, we kno you're all gonna flame us for this but believe us it works out in the end)** and promptly began feeding the owl her breakfast. Lily only noticed when Petunia was about to feed the owl some bacon.

"Petty, owls and bacon don't go terribly well together **(A/N: we made that up- we think, 'cause it makes the story more amusing) **. So I don't think that would be the smartest thing to do" she warned.

"You're right you don't think. Anyway, should I listen to a spoilt brat like you?" Petunia replied and promptly fed the owl her bacon.

"Well don't say I didn't warn ya" Lily mumbled as she began her way her way through her breakfast. By now the owl had changed to Petunia's chair in order to get closer to the food.

It all of a sudden it began hacking and coughing and regurgitated all the food that Petunia had fed it, all over Petunia's hair!

"AAAHHHH!!!!", was the inhumanly bloodcurdling scream that ripped throughout the Evans household and into the surrounding neighbourhood, "Mum !!! The stupid bird threw up all over _my hair_! And I've got a date with Brett in FIVE minutes! I just can't go like this, I just can't!"

"I told ya so" Lily perked up and brought the poor owl, who was now traumatised and had a very definite hearing problem, towards her.

"Mum, Lily's making fun of me!" Petunia screamed.

Lily promptly began petting the owl, speaking in a soothing manner,

"Good owl, good owl".

A few minutes later, after Heather had calmed her distressed older daughter down, Lily noticed that the owl, which _still_ hadn't flown away, was clutching a letter.

"Hey, look mum, someone mistook the owl for a carrier pigeon!" she exclaimed.

"Hay is for horses not humans", Heather said, coming back into the room, "but what's this about a carrier-owl pigeon?"

"Mum, mum! Someone's playing a prank on me and calling me a witch" Lily screamed angrily.

"A witch? Lily dear, give me that letter. That's plain cruel, you're a little odd, sure, but that's no reason to call you a witch."

Heather read the letter carefully, twice.

*CLUMPH* 

She sat down hard on the closest chair, mumbling...

" ... Hogwarts, could it be? ... I thought she was supposed to be crazy ... I never thought it was real"

"What is it mum? Who is crazy?" Lily asked, concerned about her mother's own mental state.

"Dear, it appears that you really _are_ a witch" Heather said obviously still dazed.

"What! Mum, don't tell me that you believe this nonsense," Lily said obviously shocked, "maybe you should speak to Dr Campos- you know, the psychiatr- I mean the nice lady who said we could talk to her whenever we wanted to. Remember her?"

Dr Campos was in actual fact a psychiatrist who had given her card to the Evans family mainly for Lily but also for anyone else who wanted to talk. 

Lily had received the card after accidentally setting her substitute teacher's wig on fire. While the teacher was still wearing it. And without the use of a match/ lighter etc. And exactly how had Lily explained this to Dr Campos you may ask, well it went something like this, "well", she had innocently spoken, "something she said just ... um ... _sparked _my anger".

But back to the situation at hand.

"Lily", Heather said, "you remember your great-great aunt?"

"The really cool but kinda odd one?", Lily asked.

"Not quite so odd, it seems" Heather replied.

"Ok ... What?!?"

"Lily, the letter, it's not a prank" Heather said trying to stay calm.

"And they thought _I_ needed a psychiatrist" Lily muttered.

"Li-lee, listen for a second, will you" Heather said, a migraine starting to form.

"Hey, I'm listening, I'm listening,", Lily said defensively, "I may not believe a word you're saying _and _think you need to see a shrink, but I'm listening.".

"Urgh, what will it take to make you believe me? I know, Auntie Iris can take you school shopping.".

"Mum, you really have lost it this time. Lets see how many of these words describe Auntie Iris. Recluse. Lives. In. Ireland. Now for the answer it's... drum roll please ... 'all of the above'."

"I'm sure she'll floo in to see you".

"Don't ya mean fly? As in on a broomstick" Lily said sarcastically.

"No, floo, it's how they travel, apparently" Heather insisted.

"How do we contact her then?" Lily asked, humoring her, now confirmed, insane mother, "she doesn't have a phone"

"That owls still around, isn't it?"

"Mum, it's an owl, not a carrier pigeon"

"I never thought I'd say this to you but SHUT UP AND WRITE THE BLOODY LETTER!"

"Okay... fine then" Lily figured that if she humored her mother the only thing that could happen was that her mother would realize that she was crazy.

Once she had finished her breakfast, Lily headed upstairs and, on the 'Imitation Parchment' writing paper that her Aunt had given her for her birthday months ago, she wrote,

_Dear Auntie Iris,_

I am writing to you because I am concerned about my mothers state of mental well-being. She has somehow got it into her head that the letter I received this morning via this owl (letter enclosed) is genuine. If this letter I am writing to you now, manages to get to you, by some miracle, please reply post-haste, preferably accompanied by a visit.

We need you to inform my mother of the fact that witches and wizards do not exist.

Your loving great, great grand niece,

Lily.

At 7 o'clock that night after dinner when the whole family was in relative peace roasting marsh mallows in the fireplace **(A/N: Yes. We can all see whats gonna happen here...)** The flame turned emerald green causing Petunia to scream right in the middle of describing her date with Brett,

"... and then he leaned over and whispered in my ear- AHHH!!!"

"Petty, how do you whisper a scream like _that_?"

"No, the fire, the fire, you moron. It's GREEN!?!"

"Petty, now you're hallucinating," Lily said as she turned around, "Wow, cool, the fire really _is _green. I wonder what a marsh mallow melted in a _green_ fire would taste like." and with that she promptly stuck a few marsh mellows into the fire. 

Big mistake.

Someone or something burst through the flames covered in melted marsh mallows. 

Heather, Petunia and Lily's Father, Edward screamed and yelled, while Lily just watched, fascinated.

It was evident that the figure was annoyed and yelling, Lily concentrated on the words and heard,

"... what is the meaning of roasting marsh mellows in a fireplace?!? Someone, like me, could have wanted to floo over for a visit!"

All of a sudden everyone and everything in the room was drenched in icy- cold water.

"Oops, I guess my magic wanted me to calm down" Iris said apologetically.

"Cool, now that the fires gone, I wanna see that trapdoor" Lily said excited.

"What trapdoor?" Iris asked, confused.

"You know the trapdoor you just came out of", Lily answered now rummaging in the fireplace, "Where's it gone now? And we need to get a plumber in, the bathroom pipes are seriously stuffed".

"I thought she said she got a letter,", Iris accused Heather, "you didn't tell her about magic?!".

"Not _you too_! If insanity runs in the family and Petty has already fallen victim, then _I'm_ next!"

"Lily, after the teachers wig incident, the slight bullying problem-" Heather was cut off by Iris butting in,

"And don't forget about what you did to your math's teacher!"

"How do you know what happened to my math's teacher?" Lily asked.

"_What_ happened to your math's teacher ?" Heather asked suspiciously.

"Okay one question at a time" Iris said, "And Lily to stop a lot of confusion and questioning sanities , there is such a thing as magic." Iris continued, turning the toaster into a goat 

****

( A/N: _At our school we have Angora goats, the inspiration for this charm**-**_ His name is Felix, his name is Felix, his name is Felix- **_*WHAM* _**That got rid of her. Sorry guys, nith had a few too many mulberries. We'll explain Felix and the mulberry thing l8er. They both have reasons, their just too long for this note**) **

Or to be more specific, he was a week old baby Angora buck.

**(A/N: **Named Felix. Felix forever! Never Ever, Ever _FABIO. *****Wrestles keyboard of nith and knocks her into temporary unconsciousness*** **Again. Sorry 'bout that peoplez, she came to. Hopefully I'll remember to keep mulberries and anything else even remotely sweet and sugary away from her. Also hopefully thats the last A/N for awhile (not likely to happen though. _

"Wow", said Lily, visibly impressed as she rushed over to pet the baby goat, "how did ya do that?"

"Magic. _Now_ do you believe us?" Heather replied for Iris.

"Not totally" said Lily, who would rather be eaten by carnivorous cows than admit that she was wrong **(A/N:**_ 'nother story, _in joke,_ might 'splain l8er_**)**

"Fine", Iris said, understanding perfectly, "As long as you believe in magic enough to go shopping tomorrow for school supplies that's fine".

Just then Petunia came down from her hiding spot at the top of the stairs.

"You mean it's true? You're all just freaks, a freakazoid coven of witches?", she spat at them.

"Coven's going a bit far, and what's so bad about being a witch? After all, you're pretty close to being one yourself, only your kind of witch starts with a capital 'B'" Iris replied, eyes narrowed, taking an instant dislike to Petunia.

"Are you calling me a witch, you f****** b****!?!"

"Petunia Pansy Evans, you will mind you're manners this very instant" Heather admonished annoyed that her oldest daughter had just called her Aunt Iris a *censored* *censored*.

"But mu-um, she just called me a, a witch, and you're not yelling at her" Petunia whined.

"She's a hundred and fifty years old, she can do what she wants", Heather replied.

"Ex-ca-us-e moi! I happen to be _only_ 129! Do I really look to be so ancient that you take me for a hundred and fifty year old fogey?", Iris accused, offended beyond belief, "And no, Petunia, I _was not_ calling you a witch, don't flatter yourself!".

At this point Heather, who felt the bickering had gone on long enough, intervened gently,

"SHUT UP, NOW, BOTH OF YOU!. Now", she continued in a falsely bright tone, "seeing as I'm sure Auntie Iris and Lily will want an early start to do their shopping tomorrow, I think we should all get some sleep", and with that she literally dragged Petunia out of the room, "I hope you don't mind sleeping on the couch tonight, Auntie Iris"

Hours later, after getting her head around some of the knowledge that Auntie Iris said that she would need in the wizarding world, a thought struck Lily, as thoughts invariably do when you're trying to get to sleep in the early hours of the morning, 'Hey, wait a sec, how the hell did Auntie Iris know about what happened to the maths teacher?'

****

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

****

(A/N:_Finally the first chapter is over!_

Finally! can you believe that they wanna call Felix, Ferdinand?

_Yes we kno the names changed, the teachers changed their minds AGAIN. Now Felix's name might be Ferdinand, Ferdinand for crying out loud! No offense to those who are called Ferdinand, but Ferdinand really does not suit Felix._

Ookkaaay... now I'm offa dat suga rush, me finks.

_In other words 'So Not'_

Hey! Anywayz, the whole Felix/Fabio/Ferdinand thing is this: there's this absolutely adorable-

_Gorgeous_

*Glares at Rosie*, baby Angora buck-

_For those of you who don't speak goat language, nith's talking about a fuzzy male, baby goat._

Anywayz , back to where I was '4 Rosie rudely cut in, who is widely known as Felix. Howeva the Year 10 Ag class gets to 'officially' name him. They want Fabio, the teachers want Ferdinand and the rest of the skool wants Felix. Great eh?

_nith! Rosie? you do not call me Rosie under any circumstance. Summer, Rose, Summer Rose. Not Rosie._

Oh calm down Rosie, I'm gonna call ya Rosie anywayz so get used to it. 'Sides it's shorter.

__

I fail to see how Rosie is shorter than Rose.

Lighten up Rosie. It's about time we posted this chapter ya kno. 

__

'Kay. Oh wait, we gotta explain the mulberry thing.

You told them the mulberry thing?

__

Well I had to explain why you were running up the walls!

Okay then. I get suger rushes very easily and even mulberries are enough to do that. 

__

**Anyways seeing as we don't wanna start a 9th page of this chapter we'd better stop so **

cya, nith and rosie

__

It's Rose dammit! 


End file.
